All-or-Nothing Thinking: How this Could be Impeding Goal Achievement

Too often I hear excuses being made by friends, family members, and many others that I communicate with on a daily basis. Excuses why they can’t live a certain way and leave a job that they despise. Reasons why they can’t travel the world and explore new cultures. Or justifications for why they can’t afford to eat healthy or why they can’t squeeze exercise into their busy day.

I’m an empathic person. I do understand that we all have circumstances which may prevent us, or make it more difficult to accomplish a task or a goal that may be easier for another person. This is life unfortunately and there are some that have got it better than others whether it’s from a financial standing or from a health perspective. Rather than dwell on these situations that we cannot control or change, this post will focus on what can be changed in one’s life to improve.

We all have reasons or excuses that we fabricate for why we can’t do something in our lives. I do it as well if it makes you feel any better. Procrastination is a good example of this. I can count many instances in a given work week where I have delayed a task that I should have been working on — and justifying why I couldn’t work on it right then and there. I’d like to elaborate more on the all-or-nothing principle and how this applies here.

Example:

“I can’t eat healthy while traveling. There are too many temptations and it’s my time to relax and kick back anyway. I’ll start getting back on track with my health in 2 weeks when I return home. That’ll be the perfect time to refocus.”

In psychology, there are thinking patterns, self talk, or cognitive distortions that some of us use — one of them is classified as “all-or-nothing” or “black or white” thinking. In this example above let’s say I have expressed this thought (either to myself or to a friend). I am justifying why I can’t make healthy eating choices while on vacation. I am using all-or-nothing thinking here — can you identify what classifies it as an all-or-nothing thinking pattern?

Here, let me help. The word can’t is an indicator when one may be using all-or-nothing thinking to most likely unwilling know they are sabotaging their goals and life. Can’t is short for cannot and not is indicating that while on vacation, there is NO way of eating healthy. Is this totally true? Does it have to be an all-or-nothing experience with eating healthy on vacation? Can one still eat healthy maybe 25% of the time or maybe even 40% while on vacation? Or is it totally impossible and therefore one CANNOT at all, meaning 0% chance of healthy eating? Also, this person is stating that when they return home in two weeks that’ll be the perfect time to refocus. The words “perfect time” could also be considered all-or-nothing thinking. As we know in reality, there is no such thing as a perfect time.

I’ve seen many individuals doing this, even while not on vacation. They’ll wait for the perfect moment to execute an idea — whether it’s a business idea and/or one that involves taking a risk and trusting their gut and doing away with what makes them unhappy. They’ll hold onto what’s safe, yet seem to not be totally pleased with their life, and hope that with time things will improve on their own. Awaiting the “perfect moment” — that it will magically appear one day and that everything will be obvious that they are ready to take that next step to implement their grand idea.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but I don’t believe life works that way. If you have a tiny fragment of an idea in your brain now that’ll help you achieve something more in life, write it down. And start working on it in manageable chunks. Baby steps are progress in the right direction and though they may not seem like much in the moment, when you take a step back and look at all you’ve accomplished over time, you begin to appreciate the fact that you took action and didn’t delay happiness and living your life the way you really want to.

Have you ever contributed to a 401k account with an employer? Remember the first few paychecks where you saw your money coming out of your hard-earned pay to disappear into some account that you could not even access until retirement? When you’re a 20-something (which I was when I started contributing), the idea of setting aside funds for “someday” seemed like the biggest waste of money when I hardly had much to spare each paycheck. Years later, however, (if you are ever lucky enough to spend some time at one company), you then look at your statements and realize, “Wow, that actually amounted to something…I’m so glad I started when I did”. Too bad I hadn’t been contributing more or started earlier!

Here’s another example:

“I don’t have a gym membership. I’m broke and I can’t afford one right now. I can’t lose weight and exercise right now. Life is tough and I’m already out of shape so my plan is to wait until 6 months when my life sorts out and things get better and then I’ll refocus my efforts on my health. I should have money by then anyway”.

I get it…life can be difficult. It’s not always easy for everyone. But, you know what…you’re alive and you have the ability to shift and shape your life in the direction that you’d like to see it unfold. If you’re living in the United States (which I know not all my readers are), and are reading this on your iPhone or even laptop, life is fairly good…you have freedom and you have the ability to take action and not live your life in fear like some other citizens of other countries in the world. So, remember that first and foremost.

Can you see the use of all-or-nothing thinking once again in the statement/self-talk/justification above? The use of the word can’t again. This person is saying that they cannot lose weight and using the excuse that they can’t afford a gym membership.

Yes, maybe I’m exaggerating this point a bit in this example….but I have seen similar examples or variations of this.

People will procrastinate and put their health on hold for a later time. A future date that may never come.

My advice:

Do not wait for that perfect moment. As mentioned above, it is never crystal clear and it won’t unveil itself to you in an obvious way or at an opportune time. You have to put in the work and start that process.

You don’t have a gym membership or you can’t afford one. Ok, that’s fine. What CAN you do instead of what can you NOT do that would inch your health in the direction it needs to be to help you lose some weight?

Can you focus on food and nutrition which does not require a gym membership?

Can you take a walk which is free and requires no gym?

Can you find some type of exercise that you could do outdoors besides walking, or at home,  that would help you burn some calories?

There are many ideas and suggestions that we could come up with for this person. It does require a mind shift, and I do hope that when one conjures up this all-or-nothing thinking that they can start to become more aware of when it’s happening. Perhaps they are actually fearful of change or putting in the required effort to start that process, so they use these excuses to stall. Or perhaps they are simply unaware of the fact that they are thinking this way? Who knows? It could be a mix of both. I have used all-or-nothing thinking MANY times in my life, and not until a few years ago when I began working with a therapist, did I start to become more aware of these distortions of reality that I was acting (or not acting) on.

Take Home Message (if I haven’t hammered it home by now):

There is a spectrum to approaching life and many of life’s problems and challenges and situations that pop up along the way. Rather than addressing these situations with solution A or solution B, try an approach which would allow you to solve a problem with many solutions (varying points along the spectrum).

Example: 

Instead of exercising by means of a high intensity Crossfit class (maybe 90% intensity along our spectrum), maybe start small with a light aerobics class (40% on the spectrum) or jumping on a trampoline (25% on the spectrum in terms of intensity).

Can you see where I’m going?

There are a variety of ways to tackle life. Don’t paint a picture in your head of one perfect way of accomplishing your goals, whether they are health related, relationship, or financial. Be creative, think outside of the box, and allow yourself the ability to work on segments of these goals in a variety of ways. You’re not going to accomplish them all in one sitting. Break them down into manageable chunks over time (like your 401k plan). Some days will be more challenging than others and that’s ok. The important thing is to keep moving forward. Don’t make excuses for why you can’t do something. You can usually do something! Just chip away at them, and you’ll be amazed at what you’ve cultivated someday when you’ve met your goals or have surpassed them.

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